How Confidence Grows • Record reality Piece memory

> Note: This article is adapted from my past personal voice recordings. Over the past three to five years, I have developed a habit of speaking to myself and thinking out loud while alone or driving, and I recorded these processes. This piece originates from one such recording made in January 2023. While preserving the original line of thought, I have reorganized and reconstructed it into written form. It is important to note that these ideas reflect my thinking at that particular stage in time. As my understanding continues to evolve, revise, and deepen, the views expressed here inevitably carry certain limitations. This is not meant to present a definitive conclusion, but rather to document the trajectory of my thinking at that stage.

> Note for English readers: The ideas in this article were originally formed within a Chinese cultural and social context. Many of the questions I explore here, as well as the motivation to think about them in the first place, are shaped by that background. As a result, some of these reflections may not feel immediately intuitive in a Western context. This note is intended to provide that perspective, rather than to universalize the conclusions.

Introduction

Over a period of time, many of my underlying beliefs went through a fairly thorough restructuring. This change did not come from a particular book, nor from a sudden moment of realization. Instead, it emerged gradually, through the repeated interaction and verification of multiple questions across different stages.

When I entered the stage of becoming a father, these previously scattered questions began to reorganize themselves in a more concrete direction. Thoughts that once belonged to “self-growth” inevitably started pointing toward a more specific concern: if I were to face the education of the next generation, what kind of environment should I actually provide?

In that process, one question gradually became central:

What exactly is confidence, and how does it form?

This article is a systematic attempt to organize my thinking around that question.

1. What Confidence Is

In my view, confidence is not a behavior, nor a skill. It is certainly not something as simple as “whether you dare to speak” or “whether you dare to act.”

It is closer to a state.

A stable state that persists across different situations.

I once tried to describe this state with a more concrete expression: being at ease with oneself.

But this phrase can easily be misunderstood. It does not mean being extroverted, talkative, or free from nervousness. It points to something more fundamental:

Even in the presence of uncertainty, tension, or even fear, one can still express oneself without distortion.

In other words, a person can feel nervous, have sweaty palms, or even a trembling voice, and still be able to articulate what they truly think, without negating themselves in the process.

This state does not depend on familiarity.

It exists not only in known environments, but should also persist in unknown ones.

2. What Confidence Is Not

In everyday life, many things are mistaken for confidence. In my view, they are closer to forms of disguise.

For example:

Being “thick-skinned” is essentially a dulling or avoidance of external evaluation
So-called “bravery,” when it ignores risk, is actually a lack of awareness
Arrogance and self-importance are often forms of overcompensation

These states share a common characteristic: they are all oriented toward resisting the external world, rather than stabilizing the internal one.

True confidence does not require amplification of behavior to prove its existence.

3. Confidence Is Not Trained, but Formed by Environment

If we translate the problem into “how to build confidence,” it is easy to fall into a trap: attempting to acquire confidence through techniques or training.

But in my understanding, confidence is better seen as a product of environment.

Rather than asking “how to cultivate it,” a more accurate question would be:

In what kind of environment does confidence naturally grow?

I tend to divide such an environment into two dimensions:

The level of cognition
The level of experience

4. The Cognitive Dimension: Independence and Consistency

4.1 Independent Selfhood

In many educational contexts, a persistent question exists:

When should we make decisions for someone, and when should we not?

If we rely on age, importance of the situation, or similar criteria, we often fall into confusion.

A more coherent standard, in my view, is:

Does this decision help the other person develop an independent self?

In other words, whether to intervene or to step back should not be determined by the situation itself, but by its impact on the development of independence.

This implies an underlying structure:

The one who is trusted must bear the responsibility of that trust
The one who makes the decision must also bear the responsibility of their cognitive limitations

When this structure is clear, the act of choosing itself no longer becomes the source of conflict.

4.2 Logical Consistency

More important than “making the correct decision” is:

The consistency of information across time.

If a child receives explanations at different stages that contradict each other, it leads to a fracture in their cognitive system.

This does not mean one must provide complex scientific explanations. It means:

Information can be simplified, but not distorted
It can be deferred, but not fabricated

This approach protects the continuity of one’s cognitive structure.

In this regard, the work of developmental psychologist Jean Piaget offers an important reference. While cognitive abilities develop in stages, transitions between stages should remain continuous rather than fragmented.

5. Patterns of Cognitive Development

Through long-term observation and reflection, I tend to believe that cognitive development follows three general characteristics:

Gradual progression
Allowance for partial reconstruction
Bottom-up construction

This can be compared to the growth of a tree: roots first, then the trunk, then the branches.

If conclusions are imposed without foundational structure, they cannot be integrated and will not remain stable.

6. The Experiential Dimension: Respect and Safety

If cognition defines structure, then experience determines whether that structure will actually be used.

I summarize this dimension with two key ideas:

6.1 Respect

An environment that fosters confidence typically includes:

Allowing different perspectives to exist
Avoiding the negation of others based on assumed motives
Not relying on status or authority as the basis of judgment

More importantly:

This allowance should not be accompanied by implicit pressure of exclusion.

It is not simply about “letting someone speak,” but ensuring that after speaking, they remain equal.

This aligns closely with the philosophy of Immanuel Kant:

A person should always be treated as an end in themselves, not merely as a means to an end.

6.2 Safety

Safety does not mean avoiding failure. It means:

Even in failure, one’s sense of self is not denied.

In such an environment, a person can:

Make choices
Bear consequences
Remain supported throughout the process

This stands in contrast to environments driven solely by outcomes.

7. What Appears as Lack of Confidence

Many behaviors labeled as “personality issues” are, in my view, structural outcomes:

Excessive self-protection
Reluctance to admit mistakes
Difficulty acknowledging others
Emotional instability
Rigidity

These do not necessarily originate solely from a lack of confidence, but in many cases, they can be understood as:

Defensive responses to internal instability.

When a person cannot stabilize their internal structure, they rely on external resistance to maintain balance.

8. Confidence and Creativity

When a person exists in a stable state, they are more likely to form a complete chain of capability:

Observation
Imagination
Thinking
Action

These four elements constitute the foundation of creativity.

A lack of confidence tends to interrupt this chain:

No observation, because it feels meaningless
No imagination, because it feels invalid
No action, because failure is feared

Confidence does not directly create ability, but it determines whether ability can be fully expressed.

Conclusion

If everything in this article were to be condensed into one sentence, it would be this:

Confidence is not something to be acquired, but a state that naturally forms within the right environment.

That environment is not complex:

Consistency in cognition
Respect in experience

Under these conditions, a person does not need to be taught confidence.

They only need to not have it destroyed.