To J

Note: This post was originally written on August 3, 2021, and published on Weibo. Since the platform later became inaccessible, it is now republished here on my personal blog.

Preface

This post was prompted by a friend who is about to come to Chengdu. I had not previously realized the extent of his psychological struggles. Today, he created a small group chat and spoke candidly about many deeply personal issues—self-destructive thoughts, suicidal ideation, a lack of hope for the future, and more.

It was clear that he was in significant pain and genuinely hoped for help from the rest of us.

After reading what he shared, I took time to think seriously and wrote a response in document form. Many of the ideas in that response became clearer during the writing process itself. I am sharing them here in the hope that they may be helpful to someone in need.

Main Text

After hearing everything you shared today, I was honestly surprised that you were willing to speak so openly about such private matters. Even now, there are many things I keep to myself that I cannot bring myself to say out loud.

I know that speaking like this requires courage. But I am also concerned that perhaps you have reached a point where life and death feel equally insignificant, and that is why you can say these things without hesitation.

So I want to start from the perspective of self-abandonment and suicide, and share my thoughts from three angles.

On Self-Abandonment and Suicide

Almost everyone in this world—including myself—is deeply influenced by past experiences. This is easy to understand.

For example:

• Some people feel regret for not studying hard in high school and believe that no amount of effort now can change that past outcome.

• Others carry trauma from childhood, forming deeply ingrained belief systems that reinforce themselves over time.

The way you described your ex-girlfriend’s thinking strongly reflects this pattern.

I have personally struggled with this for a long time. It was only after reading The Courage to Be Disliked that I truly understood and resolved this issue at a fundamental level.

The core idea is simple:

The impact of past events on the present is entirely determined by oneself, and it can be changed starting now.

The reason it doesn’t change is because one falls into a negative loop, unable to break out of it, eventually believing there is no way forward.

In fact, these are problems that can be resolved immediately—starting from the present moment.

Let me extend this a bit.

If I were to reach a state of self-abandonment or suicidal thinking, it would likely be because:

• I regret the past deeply

• I see no hope in the future

• I believe no amount of effort can change anything

But if you think carefully:

Who actually cares about those past events?

Those feelings—embarrassment, regret, pain—who is generating them?

They are entirely self-generated.

If I stop imposing that pressure on myself, everything changes.

Imagine there were a button that could erase those memories. If I pressed it and forgot everything, would I feel lighter? Would I regain the ability to act?

Most likely, yes.

As for ending one’s life, unless it is caused by a pathological condition—where neurological or hormonal factors make suffering uncontrollable—I find it difficult to understand.

If it is a biological condition that alters perception, then the suffering is real and overwhelming, and I can understand the impulse.

But if it is not, then it is something that can be changed.

In your case, I do not believe you fall into the former category.

On the “Anchor” of Striving

What we just discussed is about emotion. Emotion strongly influences decision-making and personal development.

Once negative emotional influence is reduced, the next question becomes:

What drives a person to keep moving forward?

I call this the anchor of striving.

Based on your description, your current anchor is the desire to improve this girl’s life—to help her avoid being hurt by others.

Anchors change over time. A person may have multiple anchors simultaneously, with varying levels of stability.

When a key anchor is lost, it is easy to lose confidence and direction.

Whether one can recover depends on:

• Self-adjustment

• The presence and strength of the next anchor

At the deepest level, the most fundamental anchor is survival instinct.

Let me use myself as an example.

In recent years, my anchor has been improving my living conditions—better housing, a better car, a better environment. I worked hard to run my business well and generate enough income to support those goals.

You could say this anchor is driven by desire or vanity.

But it is not stable.

If the industry declines or those goals lose meaning, I would enter a period of discouragement. During that time, I would reassess:

What was my previous anchor?

Perhaps it was the desire to leave a restrictive environment, to interact with more people, to have freedom in daily life.

That realization allows me to continue.

Sometimes, new anchors also emerge.

For example, comparing myself to one or two years ago, I can see clear growth—in thinking, communication, and confidence. I can now engage in deeper conversations across different contexts.

This becomes a new anchor:

• I want to accumulate more experience

• I want to think more deeply

• I want to share those thoughts in broader contexts

• I want recognition and a sense of achievement from that process

Anchors are not comparable between people. There is no hierarchy of “better” or “worse.”

Only vertical comparison within oneself is meaningful.

If an anchor is weak, discouragement follows. If the next anchor is insufficient, prolonged stagnation or negative cycles may occur.

In your case, you already sense that your current anchor may not be stable.

Does that mean you should abandon it?

Not necessarily.

You can still take steps based on it—for example, changing environments, moving closer geographically, creating more opportunities for interaction.

If it holds, you continue. If not, you will likely develop a new anchor during that process.

On Relationships

Finally, let’s talk about relationships.

As the only married person in this group, I may have some perspective here.

I want to approach this from three aspects.

1. The Origin of Attraction

Every relationship begins with noticing something in the other person.

These points of attraction vary greatly and differ from person to person.

They share a similarity with anchors: they can be stable or unstable.

The key difference lies in how we internally define them.

I categorize these definitions into two types:

• Rational

• Emotional

Rational definitions tend to be more stable.

For example, your current attraction seems to be based on her efforts and the sense of empathy you feel toward her.

This is an emotional anchor, which is less stable.

If you later find that she behaves similarly toward others—including people you dislike—you may feel imbalance.

To stabilize it, you can reinterpret it rationally:

Her behavior reflects diligence and a consistent attitude toward tasks, not selective treatment of individuals.

This shifts the anchor from emotional to rational.

Attraction also involves admiration.

At least one aspect of admiration must exist. Without it, the relationship lacks stability.

In a sense, this becomes another form of anchor:

How do you become someone worthy of admiration?

This usually requires effort.

2. Maintaining a Relationship

I summarize four essential elements:

• Mutual support

• Shared growth

• Not revisiting past conflicts

• Presence of form and ritual

These are straightforward, but I will relate them to your past relationship.

You had mutual support—especially during emotional lows.

There was some level of form and ritual, though perhaps insufficient. For example, decisions like buying a phone involve both practical and symbolic aspects.

However, two areas were weaker:

• Shared growth

• Avoiding revisiting past conflicts

Revisiting past conflicts is particularly destructive.

Shared growth does not mean studying or achieving together in a literal sense. It can include:

• Sharing thoughts

• Discussing future plans

• Recognizing and affirming each other

Anything that contributes to a better shared future.

3. Processing Emotions After a Breakup

Ending a relationship is naturally painful.

The focus is not on eliminating pain, but on preventing past experiences from negatively affecting the future.

I believe two things are important:

1. Do not actively bring up past relationships. If asked, keep it minimal.

2. Retain positive memories, but reflect on regrets and transform them into lessons.

Do not treat your past like a bottle of cheap soda—shaken and ready to explode.

Treat it like a bottle of wine—aged, internalized, becoming richer over time.

That is my perspective.

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End.