What Is Regret, and How to Avoid It

Background

This is a topic that has troubled me for at least six or seven years. Even now, I cannot say with complete certainty whether my current conclusions come from time gradually diluting my emotions, or from genuinely rational reflection that led me to a sense of resolution.

What I can confirm is this: the reason I have been able to repeatedly move out of regret, and more importantly, make choices at critical moments that I will not regret later, comes from my thinking process, not from the passage of time.

In most cases, when we talk about regret, it is tied to dissatisfaction with current outcomes. In some cases, even when the present situation is neutral or good, regret can still exist when looking back at past decisions.

This led me to realize that outcomes themselves are not the root cause of regret. There must be other underlying factors.

My Own “Regret”

If I look at my own experiences, I exclude early childhood, as those emotions lack representativeness. Starting from around age fifteen, when I entered high school, my decisions became more independent, and the consequences were mine to bear.

From that point until now, I do not recall any single decision that I regret in a concrete sense. Instead, regret appears more as a reflection on certain periods of time, specific states in which I made decisions, and the cumulative impact of those phases.

In my context, most of these feelings are tied to my student years. This is not surprising if that period dominates one’s life experience. However, when later experiences become richer, denser, and more impactful, yet regret still centers on those earlier years, it becomes something worth examining.

The typical form of regret in that phase is “not studying hard enough.” Over time, I have come to understand this through philosophical and psychological frameworks. It is less a pure question of regret and more a psychological construct shaped by the environment.

From this perspective, it would appear that I no longer experience regret in the conventional sense. In fact, many reflections take the form of hindsight appreciation rather than regret.

This outcome comes from two aspects. First, how regret itself is defined. Second, even under a broad definition, my experiences do not fall into it due to the way I interpret them.

When analyzing my student years, I focus less on regret and more on underlying psychological mechanisms. Questions such as why recurring dreams center on high school, why exams remain embedded in memory years later, why unhappiness is common, and why youth is often associated with hardship rather than exploration.

These reflections connect to broader theories. For example, Anthony Giddens described how structured environments, such as schools, can fix individuals into repetitive patterns of behavior. In this sense, high school can be understood as a form of collective psychological pressure.

Similarly, the emphasis on hardship in learning contrasts sharply with educational philosophies that prioritize curiosity, exploration, and intrinsic motivation.

The key point is that many experiences labeled as “regret” may not actually belong to regret as a category.

Core Viewpoint

I argue that the existence of regret is not determined by the outcome of a decision, but by whether the decision was made under the guidance of an independent and autonomous self, or under external pressure, coercion, or influence.

In simpler terms, it depends on whether the choice genuinely came from one’s own perspective, or was shaped by expectations, relationships, social norms, or external judgment.

If a decision is made under such influences, even if it appears voluntary, it is likely to produce regret later.

Passive Influences

In practice, making decisions free from such influences is extremely difficult.

Cultural conditioning operates at a deep level. Even without explicit pressure from individuals, the environment itself imposes expectations.

This leads to a redefinition of freedom. Freedom is not simply the ability to act without restriction, but the absence of psychological pressure when making decisions that affect only oneself.

A common example is social pressure around marriage. At certain ages, individuals face implicit expectations that create a persistent sense of constraint. Even when one is not directly affected, the presence of such norms reveals an underlying structure of pressure.

This illustrates that true autonomy is difficult to achieve.

Subjective Choice Under Constraint

Beyond external influences, there is also the issue of subjective decision-making.

While passive influences are difficult to eliminate, subjective choice can partially counterbalance them. However, this requires the presence of an independent personality, which is itself difficult to cultivate in certain environments.

The development of such a personality involves the process of forming a coherent self. Otto Rank described stages of will development, emphasizing that suppression of independent impulses can hinder personal growth.

Similarly, Carl Jung described individuation as the process of becoming a complete and integrated individual. Without this process, a person remains shaped by collective expectations rather than personal identity.

In many cases, individuals do not complete this process. Their decisions reflect external conditioning rather than internal alignment, which becomes a root cause of regret.

This creates a paradox. Independence may be criticized as noncompliance, while lack of independence is also criticized. The underlying criterion is not correctness, but controllability.

Two Constraints

Even with independent decision-making, two constraints remain: cognitive limitations and situational limitations.

Cognitive limitation refers to the inability to fully understand future consequences. For example, during student years, it is difficult to form a clear connection between present actions and long-term outcomes. This limitation cannot be fully resolved even with a strong sense of autonomy.

Situational limitation refers to external conditions, such as financial constraints, that restrict available choices.

In both cases, these factors limit options but do not directly cause regret.

The key distinction is that if a decision is made with a fully independent self, even under these constraints, regret is less likely to arise.

Decisions with an Independent Self

A decision guided by an independent self does not eliminate constraints, nor does it guarantee ideal outcomes. However, it ensures clarity at the moment of choice.

When the decision-maker and the bearer of consequences are aligned, regret is fundamentally reduced.

Even if the outcome is not ideal, the experience becomes one of reflection rather than regret.

This aligns with Jean-Paul Sartre’s view that choice defines the self, and that individuals are responsible for their decisions. Avoiding this responsibility leads to a loss of authenticity.

Closing Thoughts

Looking back on my own career, which spans multiple roles and industries, I do not experience regret.

There are reflections, but not regret. Each decision was made within the limits of my circumstances, with the best judgment I could apply at the time. I understood the responsibilities and consequences associated with those decisions.

Even when outcomes were not ideal, I do not regret them, because they were my choices.

At times, even when confronting mortality, what remains is not regret, but a sense of unfinished possibilities.

And that is precisely why I continue to act within my current constraints, doing what I can, to minimize future regret.

End.